Recovery: The Inevitable Social Triage

The people who try to talk you out of getting sober have some of their own shit to deal with. Most of the people who are close to you will question you but you’ll immediately notice that, in general, inquirers take on one of four tones. The first is curious, loving, and ultimately suportive. The second is curious but in a more serious way, because these people are also concerned for themselves and perhaps contemplating change. The third and fourth tones are mocking and condescending. Sometimes it comes out as overt incredulity, which often shocked me because, hi, have you not been noticing how I get when drunk, but sometimes made me second guess myself, which was way more frustrating, but often a natural part of the process, when your own brain is trying to convince you that you’re fine and you’ve got this.

Everyone’s story varies but usually, when you begin to realize you might have a problem, the disease jumps into defensive action and tries to convince you, via your own mind, that you can control your drinking/drugging. So, this is what we’re going to do, alright? We’re going to drink only as of 7, and only wine on weeknights. Oh, we’re just drinking more wine to compensate? Hold up, though. We have GOT this. Let’s only drink Thursday to Sunday, but only as of 7 on Thursdays and Fridays, and let’s take a month off hard liquor. That’ll do it. At one point, I devised a somewhat intricate plan to wean myself off; in addition to restricting myself to certain alcohols, every day I closed the window of time during which I could drink, by one hour. For example, day one I could drink whenever, day 2 between 4 and midnight, day 3 between 4 and 11, day 3 between 5 and 11, and so on, until I wasn’t drinking anymore. I overshared when I drank but it had its upside because, now, the trail of related facebook memories I have point out the fact that I tried to control my drinking for at least FOUR years, before I finally stopped.

First, we tend to go through all of that mostly alone, because it feels like knocking on a door that, if answered, will alter the course of your entire life (spoiler: that feeling is right). People notice but they get used to you back-and-forthing. It usually takes a while to approach others to talk about this in a more serious way, and it’s because of the plethora of bullshit ways in which a lot of people receive and treat this information. And, even then, your sick brain will often point you towards people who will absolutely not be of help and many will avoid those who actually can because of their own egos, especially if the people in question have already brought this issue up with you. When you’re ready, you’ll know who to approach, for real (the amount of times excessively drunk people come up to me to discuss how they want to get sober, but will never bring up the topic whle in a sober state, is pretty staggering). So a few people in your life know and maybe some of them have brought it up with you because they’re worried or maybe you’ve upset them. Maybe you’ve even been given ultimatums, which left you with no choice but to at least talk about it a little, even if it’s mostly to make up excuses. When we do reach out to right people, though, or we go to a meeting and discover an entire network of people who suffered the way we do now, we’re suddenly armed with peers and supporters, we find the courage to stop drinking, and now everyone around us gradually starts finding out.

I had “friends” tell me they would keep my secret if I chose to hide my drinking, rather than stop, and others tried to convince me I don’t have a problem. Others asked if I was worried about becoming boring (to be fair, I was usually last man standing and first one to come up with terrible but fun ideas) and some just laughed in my face. And then I had a cousin tell me my alcoholism sounded more like an allergy than an addiction and that I needed to see a doctor and not go to AA. Let’s play along for a sec: If I have a peanut allergy but I keep eating peanuts, what kind of help do I need? A month after I got sober, I hosted a clothing exchange. We would normally day drink and then I’d convince a friend or two to go out and keep drinking, afterward. The last swap I’d held was particularly debaucherous, so I was nervous about how I’d get through this one but, one by one, without having consulted each other, my girl friends all showed up with non-alcoholic drinks. I teared up when I thanked them and told them it wasn’t necessary. My friend, who ironically has the same name as my cousin and who knew nothing of the conversation I’d had with her, nor of my subsequent rationalizing, said, “If you had a peanut allergy, would I bring peanuts to your house?” That’s love.

You do you and you’ll find that some people will slide right off the map. It hurts at first but it makes more and more sense, as time goes on. If you do the work and unpack why you drank in the first place, you’ll slowly but sometimes violently realize why those relationships weren’t healthy to begin with. Unsuprisingly, it’s the people with unresolved addiction issues of their own who will buck or vanish the hardest. I lost three women, two of whom were my confidants, and losing them made me quickly learn what it was like to navigate stormy waters without having anyone to fully open up to. Most addicts are also co-dependent, so having other people burn toxic bridges you couldn’t stop crossing sometimes turns out to be a gift; this is a lesson I probably needed to learn.

Every time you grow and evolve, you will make some people uncomfortable. No matter how lightly you tread and how humbly you proceed, this part is inevitable, as it forces certain others to be confronted by their own problems. In fact, it’s hardly ever going to be about you, if you re genuinely doing good and striving for more for yourself. People who stick by you and encourage you are the real deal and are acquainted with you for the right reasons. And, as you sort this all out, do the work, and realize what you do, I promise you that you will take less shit, in general, and you will most likely do it with grace you didn’t know you possessed.